This tale begins nine months ago. I just graduated college with a degree in journalism.
Yeah, I know, a degree in journalism.
Iām looking for jobs near my home in Austin, TX. I apply to various small newspapers and even The Statesman, the biggest newspaper in the city. Iām turned down for all of them.
One day, I get an email from a girl named Mystee who says she works for the Genesis Communications Network and knows Iāve been looking for some sort of reporting/editorial job. I tell her I am and schedule an interview at the given address for Thursday.
Thursday comes and I get in my car and drive to the address. However, itās not an office. Itās a barbecue restaurant. Stiles Switch BBQ, good place.
I freak out, recheck my GPS and the email. Itās definitely this address. Befuddled, I go in, tell the guy at the waiting desk Iām here for an interview with someone from GCN.
āOh, thank god youāre here!ā he exclaims.
āUm, what?ā I ask.
He ignores my question and leads me toward the back of the restaurant. There, in the booth, is Alex Jones.
I obviously know who Alex is, so Iām sort of freaking out. He smiles, stands up, gives me a hug. This dude hasnāt even seen my resume.
āYou ready to fight the good fight, bro?ā Alex asks.
I tell him Iām interested in working in Austinās journalistic community. I try to stay far, far away from telling him I want to work for him or his BS site. He orders us both brisket platters.
āYou know, I think youāve got the mug of an info warrior,ā Alex explains.
I just sort of nod and sip on my Sprite.
He asks me all sorts of weird shit - if Iāve ever worked for the government, if Iām gay, etc. Every two-three questions, he fist bumps me.
āLet me tell you something, Jason, I do put one hundred and ten percent into this fight.ā
My nameās not Jason.
Finally, our meals arrive. āThanks, sweetie - weāll take that in a to-go container,ā he explains to the waitress.
I ask Alex where weāre going - Iād imagine his main office, right?
āI know you said youād give your life for this fightā
What?
āSo let me show you the true enemy.ā
Alex asks if we can store the food in his car. I tell him, āSure, but I donāt have any way to keep it from spoiling.ā He tells me there are preservatives on āthe front linesā to keep them edible.
Okay
We begin walking down the street.
Itās around 5 PM now. Weāve been walking in silence for nearly an hour and a half. I could say āfuck itā and leave. Though, I really need this job. My parents have threatened to kick me out if I donāt find one soon. So, I trek on.
Finally, Alex just stops alongside a major highway.
āAnd now, we wait.ā he says, seemingly to no one in particular.
So, we stand there and wait, for another half hour.
Finally, a large black van stops at the side of the road. Alex hops in the passenger seat without saying a word. He pokes his head out of the window and looks at me. So, I hop in too.
The van drives for maybe forty minutes into a small ass town called Niederwald.
Alex keeps muttering to the driver, a young black guy with glasses, about how scared he is for his family.
Niederwald seems to be mostly grass and the occasional house.
Alex peaks behind to look at me.
āJason, I read that you consider a major skill to be head-on tackling a problem.ā
That sentence seems astoundingly stupid to me, but I just nod and say āYeah, definitely.ā
Finally, we pull into a road and keep going for maybe twenty minutes.
Iām pretty sweaty and tired by this point. Iām wondering if this is even real life. Chilling with Alex Jones in a black van isnāt something I would even expect to dream about.
Finally, we stop next to an old bridge. We climb out, Alex and I, and the van just drives off.
What the actual fuck?!
āJason, come help me out here.ā
Alex is standing over a weird metal hatch.
I help him open it. Itās pretty heavy and obviously hasnāt been opened in a long time.
āI bet this is the craziest first day of work youāve ever had.ā
First day of work? The fuck?
Then, Alex hops down into the opening of this hatch. I decide to follow suit, if only because itās getting dark. I figure Alex is too famous to just murder me out here.
The tunnels are dark, so I use my phone as a flash light.
I soon realise, I canāt find Alex Jones.
I wander around for a long ass time. These tunnels just sort of lead into empty metal rooms. Every once in a while Iāll hear a āclangā and Iāll shout āAlex?ā
Alex never did introduce himself to me by name. I guess he just assumes everyone knows who he is.
Finally, I come across a room with this weird, fuzzy insulation on the walls. Standing in the room is Alex Jones.
Alex, as Iām sure we all know, is totally insane. He talks about how this place was a tunnel system for an inter dimensional vampire society. He says this room is where they āsiphoned energyā.
Iām not even sure how to respond to that.
He tears down some of the insulation and asks me to help him.
While Iām helping Alex tear down the insulation Iām thinking about who that black dude driving the van was. I have no idea.
Finally, we get all the insulation down. There, on the wall in front of us, is an elevator.
At this point, Iām visibly shaken.
Itās an old elevator, the kind where the door is sort of open and it doesnāt completely cover the front.
Alex grabs my shoulder and says ālook, Jason, I know youāre scared bro, but I need you to think of it as a spiritual experience, Jason.ā
Yeah, okay.
āIāll be with you every step of the way, buddy.ā
Oh god, please no.
He steps into the elevator and pulls a dangling rope. I get in too and we descend into pure darkness.
There is nothing but the low hum of the elevator. Then, all of a sudden there is a very loud āCLANG!ā Weāve reached the bottom of the elevator shaft.
Alex and I both use our phones as torches. I notice Iām getting no signal. Iām not surprised, we must be at least 700 feet under ground at this point.
Out of the corner of my eye, I notice something on the wall. It looks like blood. Iāve never seen so much blood!
āOh god, Iām gonna die! Alex Jones is going to kill me!ā I think as I let out a scream.
āDonāt worry,ā I hear Alex say, āThatās not blood.ā
āOh, then what the hell is it?ā I ask.
āItās this weird, semen-like substance the vampires used to create a message to their dark lordā
Yeah, Iām not sure if that is any better. Whatever it is, itās all over the walls in this weird rune language. Alex tells me they generally act as prayers to the Satanic lords of the inter dimensional vampires.
Iām still pretty sure Iām going to die.
We continue to walk down the hallway. Itās really dark and hard to see. Then, we finally get to a door.
āOkay, Jason, this is the one room where they remain.ā
The fuck?
I could run right now, but I donāt know how to work the elevator and Iām not sure Iād make it through those tunnels. I know Alex is fucking crazy, so who knows whatās really beyond the door.
āIt will - I mean this - it WILL take the form of your own personal demon,ā Alex explains.
That doesnāt really reassure me.
I open this weird metal door and shut it behind me.
The room is sort of like a classroom but without any desks or chairs for students. Just a āteacherāsā desk at the front of the room. There is also a projector and some weird, creepy ass objects on the floor. A rattle, a teddy bear, some old comic books, etc. and a journal.
I pick up the journal and start reading it.
Well, shit. Itās from a young Alex Jones. Young Alex was apparently ātaken hereā for a dentist appointment and left in this room to āwatch the reportsā and āreceive treatment.ā
Damn, I donāt really know what to make of this.
I put the journal down and look around the room. I donāt really see anything of interest.
Then, suddenly, the lights turn on. I also notice the projector is now on and playing something on the wall at the far side of the room.
An old guy that looks like a professor appears on the screen. He starts talking about the āDoronas Procedures.ā
I donāt speak conspiracy theorist - not that itās much of a conspiracy for me at this point, though. However, it seems as though some mason-like group was āchemically trackingā wealthy Texan families and recruiting their kids. The kids were taught like in school but also received chemical treatments and āpsi-op conditioningā to make them harder to kill or otherwise manipulate.
Sweet baby Jesus!
This video lasts maybe forty-five minutes, detailing the āenemiesā that these kids would face when they were older. Very weird and creepy shit.
When the video ended the lights shut off. I run to the door and start banging and screaming. Iām really freaking out at this point.
All of a sudden the door opens. The lights are on in the hall now and Alex is standing by the elevator looking very sombre.
āDo you see why I do this not?ā he asks.
āI guess so,ā I tell him. Honestly, I donāt really know what to think at this point.
āLetās go to the club, Jason.ā
We make our way back outside and the black van is there. We get in and drive to Austin. Not a word is said the whole ride.
We arrive at Plush nightclub.
Alex jokes that heās glad heās divorced so he can go to these places more often.
Alex, the black dude, and I go in.
The music is super loud EDM. Alex, I suppose, knows the guy at the door because we all get in no problem.
I go to the bar, get drinks, and realise I canāt find Alex.
I find myself drinking quite a lot. Itās been a rather long night so can you really blame me?
Suddenly, a beautiful woman approaches me. She tells me Alex wants to talk to me upstairs.
I go up the stairs and through a door at the top. Itās some kind of office. Alex and the black dude are there. I donāt know his name and should probably stop calling him black dude. Anyway, Alex grabs my arm and says āJason, what if I told you this was a globalist haven and ninety percent of those people down there want to eat you alive and then eat your family?ā
I want to tell him heās crazy but I donāt.
Alex tells me to find the most beautiful looking woman down on the dance floor and wiper in her ear the word āsensational.ā
I could have just walked out, but fuck it, Iām intrigued and itās Alex fucking Jones. He was on Joe Rogan.
I get on the dance floor, sort of buzzed, and I find a hot looking babe with blond hair and cute bangs.
We dance for a bit before I whisper in her ear āsensational.ā
She looks like I just stroked her G-spot. I head back to the office upstairs and she follows. I open the door and no one is there. Just me and her.
Suddenly, she throws over the desk and lamps. She is trashing this place. What the fuck?
āIām checking this place for bugs. Fucking socialists.ā
When sheās done, she grabs me by the shirt and starts making out with me.
All of a sudden she spits two green balls into my mouth.
I spit those things back out. They look like slimy tennis balls.
She looks like I just killed her babies.
āYou do not accept the gifts of the fallen?ā
āUm, what?ā
She screams at me, almost in gibberish. The slime balls at my feet are sort of evaporating.
The chick starts crying. I have no idea whatās going on.
She starts clawing at me while screaming.
Then, she just slams the door and leaves.
Alex emerges from the closet.
Wait, he was in the closet this whole time? Whereād the black guy go?
āJason what you said to her was a demonic mating ritual codeword.ā Alex explains, āYou just killed two globalist arch-demons.ā āWhich means,ā Alex continues, āin about thirty seconds, this club is going down, HARD.ā
Sure enough, I can hear screams from downstairs. Alex grabs me and pulls me towards the window.
āJason, do you trust me?ā
āNo.ā
He throws me out of the windows and I land on the van. Yes, it hurt but I was only like half a story up, so I didnāt break anything.
Alex follows suit, but heās wrapped himself in some sort of black body armour? Fuck if I know.
The screams in the club are growing louder and the music has stopped. There is also no line outside.
Alex and I get in the van. The black guy is behind the wheel.
We drive off into the night.
Alex looks all sweaty and shit. āWe showed those demons who not to fuck with, right Jason?ā
āHell yeah,ā says the black dude.
āSo, um, now we go home, right?ā I ask.
āNo, Ramsey. Not yet. Weāve got one last stop.ā
My name isnāt Ramsey either.
So, we speed, and I mean SPEED down the street, away from the nightclub. Iām still buzzed from my drinks. Still, Iām having a good time even though Iām all tied up in this shit now. Maybe working with Alex wouldnāt be so bad after all.
āSo, uh, Jason, you ever heard of this idea of controlled opposition?ā
āNo, whatās that?ā
Alex starts chuckling. He explains that sometimes you have to control your enemy to make them more understandable or something.
I wonder if Alex had anything to drink at the club.
Alex cranks up the volume on the radio as soon as āAll Along the Watchtowerā starts playing. The Hendrix version, that is.
Suddenly we stop. There, outside the van is my grandmotherās house.
Naturally, Iām a bit upset. Has Alex been stalking me or my grandma?
āMike, look, I need you to relax for a sec, buddy because Granny Goodness in there is not who you think she is.ā
My name isnāt Mike, either.
āWhat is that supposed to me?ā I ask Alex.
Alex pulls out a laptop from under his seat and shows me a long list of files. One is called āSupremeC1068.ifw.ā He opens it and it looks like the Matrix. All these letters and numbers and shit.
āMike, this is not a joke. Youāve been the victim of heavy conditioning. Do you know who Madeline Albright it?ā
āNo.ā
āLook her up.ā
I pull out my phone and google her name. She was secretary of state under Clinton, I guess? I open the Wikipedia page and on that screen is my grandmother. Holy fucking shit!
āLook, Alex, this looks just like her butā¦ā
āNo, Jason, it IS her, do you understand me?ā
Alex is starting to get agitated.
āHowā¦ How is that even possible?ā I ask.
Alex tells me the globalists can suck souls and live forever.
This does really, really look like my grandmother.
Alex tells me that Madeline, or well, Grandma, is going to use an upcoming election to get some āvery, veryā bad people elected. This somehow will lead to an interdimensional invasion that Alex was bred to destroy.
I think he might be high.
Though, this really, really, really looks like my grandma.
āOkay, so, what do we do?ā I ask Alex.
āItās simple, Ramsey. You ever seen Ghostbusters?ā
Alex pulls out a backpack. His seat must have some TARDIS shit going on. No, Iām not a Doctor Who fan, I just know what the TARDIS is but not Madeline Albright, so that shows you where my priorities are.
Alex takes these pills/vitamin drops and just inhales them. Heās taking so much of this shit, it canāt be healthy. Then, he pulls out what looks like a smoke detector.
āHereās the plan, Jason. This device can detect āsuper soulsā and will switch their frequency so that they lower themselves to another dimension.ā
āSo, why not use it back at the club?ā
Alex wonāt say.
āSo Iām supposed to go to my grandmaās house, who may or may not be Madeline Albright, and use this on her?ā I ask. Alex just stares at me. Fuck it, āfine, Iāll do it IF you can guarantee me a job and decent pay.ā I tell him.
āFranklin, you know I will.ā he says as he goes in for a hug.
My name isnāt Franklin, either.
We hug for like two solid minutes. It really started to get uncomfortable. After the hug, I exit the van and walk across the street.
I get to grandmaās house and ring the doorbell. Itās like 1 AM at this point.
About thirty seconds later the door swings open.
āOh,
@sjw
youāre here so late!ā
āYeah, us sorry grandma, I was just out drinking and I needed a place to stay.ā
Shitty excuse, but better than the truth.
āWell, come on in.ā
She sniffs the air.
āDo you smell anything,
@sjw
?ā
āNope.ā
āWell, maybe itās just my old nose.ā
She does this cute grandma laugh.
If Alex was fucking with me or some shit I will be pissed.
We sit at her coffee table. Sheās obviously very tired.
Suddenly, she looks at the device in my hand.
āOh,
@sjw
, what is that?ā she asks.
āI uhā¦ā
Discreetly, I press the button on this smoke detector, inter-dimensional vampire demon thing.
Nothing happens.
Oh goddammit. This was just some extremely elaborate plan-
Then suddenly, something happens. The device begins to vibrate. My grandmaās face starts, like, dropping. Like sheās having a stroke.
Oh shit! What have I done?
Then, I swear to god, my grandma - or well, Albright starts screaming. She screams in this demonic-ass voice.
ā
@sjw
! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?!ā
She starts like, exploding. First her arm, then her leg.
Shit, shit, shit.
The ground starts shaking!
What the fuck is happening?!
In this demonic voice, I hear, āYou who must be bequeathed shall not become thine sanctimony!ā
I run the fuck out of there as my grandma starts to explode and her house begins to fall apart. I fucking dash out of there like a cheetah.
āOh shit, oh shit!ā
I make it outside. I leap out of the yard. I turn around just long enough to see my āgrandmaāsā house envelop into a portal of pure light.
Thereās nothing there now. Itās like the house was never there at all. The device is gone too - I must have dropped it.
Sweet baby Jesus, Iām scared but I guess itās all over now.
I run to the opposite side of the road. The vanās gone. In its place are two white containers and a duffel bag. In the bag are rolls of money. Wow! I mean - really, I could be set for life with this much, provided I lived simply. The container next to it looks familiar. I open it. My brisket dinner, still piping hot.
Then, I notice one last thing; a Post-it on the container. I pick it up and read it.
āThanks a lot,
@sjw
. For everything.ā
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